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saved by faith
02 January 2012 @ 05:21 pm

When I signed my name at work yesterday and then dated it "1/1/12," I was struck by the foreign, seemingly impossible year.  How could 2012 be upon us when I'd never before imagined my life past the year 2011?  It was likely the year of my life, in not just the events themselves but in the fact that I had spent nearly eight years looking forward to it.  2011 - the year I will graduate college and never again be a student, after nearly two decades of education, the year that I will begin my career, the year that we will finally be able to be together after seven years apart.  The year that I will become a bride, a wife.

It was absurd to imagine it all happening when I started daydreaming in 2003, when I simply asked a boy to homecoming because he was cute and I liked him.  "If we're still together," we'd say, at least wise enough in our youth to know that we, as a couple and as individuals, would evolve as we aged.  It seemed downright impossible at times through the years, as we were both frustrated with the continual highs and lows, the uncertainly of knowing whether this - whether we - would be worth it.  But as 2011 drew closer, the "ifs" turned into "whens" - and while the proposal surprised no one, we were simply content to be able to start planning our life together instead of dreaming about it. 

Nearly eight years together, and most of that looking forward to 2011.  It simply wasn't fathomable to reach past that year, that moment - and yet, here we are.  Nearly everything about my life has changed since I started this journal in late 2003 - my closest friend, my home, my level of education, my relationships with my sisters as we evolved from girls to women, and legally, my identity - yet he has remained constant.  I've been so focused on 2011 that I haven't spent a moment thinking about what is ahead of me this year and beyond. 

2012 represents the first year of the rest of my life.  I'm looking forward to living it.

Photo credit:  (Crowe's Eye Photography)

saved by faith
21 March 2011 @ 03:53 pm
Current Mood: giddygiddy
saved by faith
Steve and I ate dinner with his parents and played cards afterwards.  He kicked my ass and I wasn't happy about it because I'm competitive and he knows it and egged me on and he's a jerk but ANYWAY, afterwards he was trying to kiss me and I, pretending to be all upset and shit about losing, wasn't allowing it.  Then he tried to 'put the moves' on me since he knew I was playing all hard to get, all of this being in a joking, fun manner, and then I sort of called him out on his moves kind of sucking (since they kind of do, poor boy.  I went after him in high school) and why on earth wasn't he kissing me yet?

Me:  It's like you don't even want to kiss me.

Which of course ruins the moment because I'm smiling and flailing because he said a line right out of a House episode and didn't even know it so it wasn't intentionally corny, it just made my night and kind of made my life.

Then I flailed some more, wrote, "I HAVE TO WRITE THIS IN MY LIVEJOURNAL," and here I am. 
saved by faith
07 December 2010 @ 11:46 pm
Say your eldest daughter is getting married next year and schedules an alterations appointment for next week, Tuesday, at 1:30.  It's a little early for alterations, yes, but she has December off from her rotations and therefore she's trying to fit in as much wedding planning as she can.  She makes sure to schedule the appointment on a day that you've requested off work so you can go to the appointment with her and her maid of honor, the only people she's really inviting to the appointment.  This appointment has been set for over a month.

Do you...
a) accept this with any grace at all, even if it doesn't sound like your idea of a good time because apparently you can't stand your daughter even though she's the first one of your children getting married and is actually trying to involve you even though she can't stand you, either
b) schedule a hair appointment at 2:30 at a location 25 minutes away from David's Bridal and then ask her to move her appointment up because 'Joni only works part time and it's hard to schedule an appointment with her' and 'I really want it done before Christmas'

I am guessing that it is fairly obvious which one my mother picked.  And I'm pretty sure this is the last time I'm even going to bother making an effort including her in anything.
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
saved by faith
A pharmacy student in my class died yesterday.

It was so sudden, and so fucking abrupt - down to how we all found out.  We're not in formal classes this last year like we've been the past five - we're all divided up and scattered across the state, completing our various rotations.  We didn't hear about it first - we just got an e-mail, like everyone else in the university, with so little details, so few words, that raised more questions than answered all of our thoughts - what?!  why?  how?  It simply said that he had died off-campus and out of respect for the family, that there would be no additional details.  And all I want to know is what does this mean?

And although he was not a close friend of mine and I can't honestly remember the last time that we spoke, I can't help feeling a sense of such terrible loss.  We were almost done, damn it, all of us, roughly 110, 115 of us who have fought through the past six years, the endless studying, weeks of no sleep due to clusters of exams in 72 hour periods, final exams, our fucking professors and all of their shit, all of it, just to get to these rotations, to get through them, to start our careers, to start our real lives.  We are just seven months away from becoming pharmacists (no, I am, he was) and for him, it is all over.  How is that even possible?

I can handle lives ending when they have fulfilled a purpose - when my grandmother died, she left behind three generations of children that have started their own families, written their own histories.  But my classmate - not even a friend, but god, a colleague - was so close to the beginning.  I'm graduating next year, getting married - it is the ending of a chapter in my life that will be closed forever, but not forgotten, and the beginning to a brand new one.  But he will never have it and for that - god, it just fucking hurts.  He may have just been one of 110ish, 115ish, but when we walk across that stage, there will be one less.  When our class composite is displayed for future decades of pharmacy students to see, it will have one less.  We will always be one less because of him - and for that, I will never, ever forget him.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed